Quandary

I'm sitting at my desk in a quiet reception area reading. The dilemma is - what to read!

I have before me my bible - which I need to spend some time with.

"Is that really you God?" by Loren Cunningham, the founder of YWAM. An excellent book telling the history and some of the amazing stories behind the group.

"Help! I'm leading part of my cell meeting" - (I've just read the appropriate part for tonight's cell)

and finally, the manual for my new phone! It's amazing, but seems so complicated compared with my old one!

Talking about the new phone - it's my first camera phone. Isn't it just so frustrating when the kids pick it up and quickly perform tasks with something that belongs to you not them? And in order for you to do it, you need to refer to the manual!

Our dog has also learnt to be wary of camera phones. I'm not sure if the kids always use the flash with theirs' indoors, but when I tried to take a pic of my dog this morning, he sat in his basket and turned his head to the wall! He just wouldn't turn around until I'd moved away! He looked like a naughty school boy sitting in the corner but in reality he was a dog with a fear of strong light. Thankfully my phone didn't need the flash and I eventually got a pick of him. Sadly he wasn't looking happy! He had a hangdog expression on his face, probably waiting for something nasty to happen!

When I get the software loaded onto the pc at home, I'll be able to add pics to my blog!

Hidden Depths

Yesterday I asked my son to help me dismantle 2 double wardrobes in our bedroom. There was a run of 4 double wardrobes along one wall and we'd decided to remove two from the middle and push the bed back into the gap.

As we pulled the second wardrobe out, my son noticed the carpet was sagging alongside the wall. We pulled the carpet back and discovered that the floor underneath was disintegrating! There appeared to be just an inch thick of plaster or cement, but there was nothing underneath to support the plaster! Previously there had been a fireplace and chimney breast in the room which the previous owners had removed. For some unknown reason, they had just filled in the space left with the plaster although there was no support underneath. They had then proceeded to place two large wardrobes over the weak floor.

As we pulled the carpet back the plaster just crumbled away! We now have a hole 4 foot wide and 3 feet deep in our bedroom floor!

It's really quite scary the bodge up jobs some people leave behind when they sell their homes. I only hope we don't leave an horrendous legacies for future owners of our property!

It's all good fun though! As long as the bed doesn't move in the night and fall down the hole... I'd hate to wake in the dining room!

Forgiveness

Yesterday was breakthrough day for me. To be honest, most days are breakthrough days at present.

David spoke on forgiveness and he had hardly started speaking when I knew there was one large area of my life that was causing me to feel bitterness and resentment. Now the person to whom I have these feelings is probably totally unaware of the fact, but the feelings I had were still incredibly strong within me and often caused me to well up with tears.

The amazing thing about God's forgiveness is the way he so gently brings us to an understanding of our wrong doing. Our response then is to either forget it (or at least try to! God's Holy Spirit will keep on convicting us until we repent) or to ask a gracious heavenly Father to forgive us.

Together with some friends, I asked God to forgive me and to give me the strength to forgive this person for the wrong they had done. I accept that he will probably never make up for what he has "stolen" from me, but God will.

Joel 2:24-26

25 "I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten—

It's a time of realising that when God repays the things we have lost, he does not repay in the way that we repay, like for like.

Whilst dishing up our evening meal yesterday, my eldest son said.

"I love eating here! Sunday roast in this house is the best there is! Just look at the colour of the vegetables, everything cooked to perfection, all the colour so bright! At xxxx's home, everything is over-cooked, the colour is lost and the flavour is gone."

Now this may seem an odd comment to relay here in the blog. But to me, this was just what I needed! I praised God that he was returning something I thought I had lost. There is a very tenuous link between the person I had to forgive and the comment Rob made, but the link was enough for me to know that God was letting me know he had begun my restoration process.

I cannot thank God enough for all he has done for me, for all he is doing now and for all he has planned for my future.

I know that God is faithful, that all he has planned for me is good. I am excited to place my life in his care and see the great things he has for me!

Encouragement

I often wonder why I write this blog. Part of it is to keep a record of my own thoughts, part of it is to be an encouragement to others, a small part is to just cry out when life gets to me.

Initially I used to check daily how many visitors I had to my site. I began to get hung up about how popular I was! These days, I rarely check the statistics. I don't believe my blog will ever attain high popularity and massive daily readership. It's just good to know some people read it. My readership hasn't grown dramatically, and most readers just log in occassionally. The great thing is, the feedback I get from people I know. They all say they find the blog encouraging.

I haven't asked in what way. But I just want to put it on record, for those of you who have told me you find the blog encouraging - THANK YOU!!! Thank you for being an encouragement for me to continue.

Dancing Partners

This morning at work, during the intercession time, we were given the illustration that our prayer times are a bit like dancing with a partner. When you first learn you're wooden and give up easily. With practise, things become easier.

When we watch an experienced dancing partnership, we see fluidity of movement and beauty as the pair move in a seemingly effortless way across the dance floor. Others can join them on the dance floor yet although each pair is moving independently of the others, there is no major collision, no bumping and pushing, but again, a seemingly effortless and beautiful movement of bodies.

Our prayer times were described as a dance with the Holy Spirit as our partner. At first it's a new relationship, one which we need to work on. With time and patience we can improve our dancing. The Holy Spirit is a tireless partner, eager to help us learn new things. When we come together with others to pray, it can become like a crowded dance floor where all are dancing to the same tune, all are moving beautifully together, yet independently.

I found the description enlightening and it somehow released me to pray with less fear of what the others around me would think. So often I can be nervous of praying in company. I worry I will fall over my words, stumble around and just generally make a fool of myself. I even sometimes worry that what I say may almost be taken wrongly and it will be theoretically incorrect!!!

Our times of prayer and intercession are times of partnership with the Holy Spirit. Its a time when together we can communicate with our creator. He's not a dance judge, He doesn't condemn us if with pray clumsily. He only cares that we communicate with Him to show our love, our concern, our fears etc.

Dancing alone or dancing with a crowd, prayer is a time for us to express ourselves. We won't crash and destroy the evening for we are dancing with the perfect partner, the Holy Spirit. If we allow Him to guide us and to help us, our times together will become ever more beautiful.

Life Changing Power

God's at work in His people!

At present we are seeing lives changed, and people overcoming so much in their lives.

Yesterday we sang Amazing Grace, a powerful song of declaration. The final verse has always talked to me of our time in heaven when we get to spend eternity praising God, but yesterday God spoke to me that we are already in the time of praise.

When we've been there ten thousand years

Bright shining as the sun

We've no less days to sing God's praise

Than when we first begun.

God wanted me to know that

These are your days of praise

These are the days to declare my faithfulness

These are the days to shout for joy.

Don't look to your circumstances.

Don't look at your fears.

Look to me and declare your praise!

Look to me and declare my faithfulness!

For these are your days of praise.

If we keep our eyes fixed on Jesus, if we keep our lives Spirit filled, we will see victory in our circumstances.

What is man?

Before Christmas, Ian and I were shopping for presents and we were looking at calenders. We found one of those daily pad calenders that has a beautiful image and a bible verse and we keep it beside the computer.

We're going through a bit of a difficult time with the kids right now and this morning I've just come upstairs and torn off yesterday's verse to find these verses from Psalm 8:

3 When I consider your heavens,

the work of your fingers,

the moon and the stars,

which you have set in place,

4 what is man that you are mindful of him,

the son of man that you care for him?

God does care. Not only for me, but also for my children. Our lives are held firmly in His hand and he will see us through this difficult time.

I have a God in whom I trust. A God who is faithful and loving and who I know will provide and care for me.

What is man that He is mindful of him? He is God's creation!

Genesis 1:31 reminds us:

31 God saw all that he had made, and it was very good.

and that includes me! He cares for me because He is pleased with the way he created me. That is why he cares for me.

Anointed

On Sunday David Lyon spoke powerfully about the anointing of the Holy Spirit. It's left me with much to think about and much to do. God has made us His people for a purpose and that is to do His will. He hasn't left us to work unprepared but He has fully equipped us to do all the things He has ordered for our lives.

The thing that struck me the most was that he has anointed me to do His will. I am set apart for Him and this anointing of His Spirit has given me the same power that Jesus had when he was on earth.

21 Now it is God who makes both us and you stand firm in Christ.
He anointed us,
22 set his seal of ownership on us, and put his Spirit in our hearts as a deposit, guaranteeing what is to come.

I used to think that when Jesus spoke of us doing more amazing things than he did when on earth, that meant we would have Godly power. In a sense it does, but when Jesus walked the earth he walked it as a man with all the limitations that entailed. He possessed no super powers other than those given to Him by the power of the Holy Spirit abiding in Him. It's this same Spirit that abides in us and when we live our lives accordingly we can do the same as Jesus. Not in our own strength, but the same way as Jesus did, by allowing the Holy Spirit to flow from within us.

Doubt and Self Worth

One of the main reasons I haven't been blogging as much has been the state of my mind over the past few months.

I've been suffering from a grave lack of self worth and this has led me to feel that my thoughts are worthless and therefore not worth posting.

Thankfully, God has me in his hand. His loving kindness is at work and even if I think what I write is waffle, they are my thoughts. I don't need to worry about what others think of my thoughts. If someone disagrees with my words, they are free to respond. If I make a mistake, I am happy to be corrected (But be kind please). If I encourage or excite by what I write, I would love to know as that in turn excites and encourages me.

If my thoughts invoke no response from the reader, then I hope I will continue to blog because for me, the act of putting my thoughts down has been a positive act. By failing to blog, I am only increasing my feelings of failure and worthlessness.

So if you find I have not blogged for a few days, please add a comment to encourage me.

Life is not easy for anyone. We all need encouragement and I pray that at times, my blog will be an encouragement to those who read it.

God's Spirit is at work in this land and I am so glad to be a part of His plan!

New Job Description

Today I have been repeatedly introduced as "Sue, our new part-time, temporary receptionist". Everyone was really pleased! The role has been filled by staff and students on a rota basis for a long time and they were all pleased to know that for 3 days a week they will be relieved of the task.

I'm looking forward to being out of the house and meeting new people. I'm looking forward to being with like minded people. I'm looking forward to being where God has placed me, even if only for a short while. I'm looking forward to doing a job where I am appreciated.

It may only be part time, it may only be temporary but the job I'm doing is a vital part of any company and although a lot of admin staff view reception work as menial, it's important and it's always been one I love doing. Often for no other reason than it is a job who's most important task is to smile.

Phrophecy or predicting the future?

Rob has returned from France 3 months early. I knew he would be home before the end of his expected time of April but this is because I know my son and I didn't really expect him to last 5 months.

This wasn't a prophetic knowledge, it was just a prediction. I can't see into the future.

Some people are debating the possible sainthood of Judas Iscariot saying it wasn't his fault he betrayed Jesus because there were several prophesies and Jesus himself said that one of the 12 would betray him.

We need to remember that God is outside of time. He existed before time and will exist after time. Our days, years and months are not boundaries for God. Jesus knew Judas would betray him because he had seen in happen. He wasn't making a prediction about something, he was stating a fact of something he had witnessed.

When God gives a prophetic word we need to hold on to the truth of the statement because it will happen, God has already witnessed it. This should give us a security and strength as we go about our lives.

God will fulfill his promises to us. He is unable to lie.

Awesome Night!

Awesome God!

Our cell group met last night and although only about half of us were present God didn't stay away!

The main cry of our local church at the moment is about moving and living in the power of the Holy Spirit. Last night was to be a night where we exercised.

Individually, we were asked to say which of the gifts we felt most comfortable in using and then to say which gift we felt we wanted to move in. Everyone else seemed to know where they were and where they wanted to go.

I felt alone.

I speak and sing in tongues but don't feel that these are my giftings for the building up of the church, more that they are the gifts which are for my personal uplifting and strengthening. This is not to say that I don't believe there will be times when God will use me to bring a tongue.

Everyone was very encouraging and spoke of words I had brought in the past to the group, or in Sunday meetings, which they believed where from God. The odd thing is, I thought these were just words of testimony, yet others felt there was a prophetic nature to them. I had never seen them like this and it was very encouraging.

It was good to see that we all were seeking more of God's power in our lives, not for our benefit but for the benefit of others. For some, it was for power to build the church where God has placed us, for others it was for power to impact the lives of those yet to know God. None of us were seeking power for ourselves or for our own personal glorification.

Moving in God's power, using his gifts, is not so that we as individuals can say "hey look at my super gift! See how powerful I am!" God's powerful gifts are for us to use for the benefit of others.

We each need to be seeking God's specific gift for our lives, whilst not ignoring the need for each of the other gifts to be displayed when the Spirit prompts.

This is an exciting time we are moving in. Don't let yourself be left behind!

The perfect job?

Whilst looking around a web site today I saw a position vacant for my perfect job. The problem? Well it isn't lack of qualifications or lack of experience, I have both of those. It's unpaid!

Time to seek God!

Who Am I?

I'm one of those people who's very negative about myself, very unsure about my skills and very low in self esteem.

When I started this blog it was with the intention of it helping me to become more positive and in some ways I do feel a lot more positive. Yet I know I have a lot more to learn. When I look at myself I see someone who has very little joy for living and I know this is not as it should be.

I feel challenged at the moment to really seek who I am. To find out what it means to be a child of God.

I can rattle off a load of phrases about being a royal priesthood, holy, pure in God's eyes, set free from condemnation, full of the Spirit etc. Yet I believe I need to get to grips with what this really means in my every day practical existance.

Over the coming weeks and months I want to try to formally put down in words a study which will guide me into discovering what it really means to be a child of God.

This year we bought a desk calendar which gives bible verse for each day. Today's comes from Joshua 24:15

But as for me and my household,

we will serve the Lord

This seems as good a place as any to start. I am a servant of the Lord. Now in a practical, everyday sense, what does this mean?

Any suggestions?

The old has gone

I lost the last 2 days of last year. I spent them in bed with a migraine! So we missed the party, the fireworks and everything else that goes with seeing in the New Year.

Thankfully, this morning my head is almost normal and I can walk around the house again.

The past year has seen big changes for me. I'm expecting more changes this year as I seek God's will for our lives.

I've now handed in my notice and feel lost as I haven't a clue which direction I should be looking for new work. But I know that I am not alone. I may not know where I am going this year, but God does and I know he is in control. I feel a bit like someone who is walking with an experienced hiker over mountainous terrain. I know I need to get to somewhere, I don't know where somewhere is, or how to get there but I have absolute faith that the leader does. As long as I follow them and don't stray I will arrive safely at the destination.

To me, New Year's Day is nothing special, it's just another day. But at the same time, every day is a special day to seek God's will and begin a new phase of work for Him.

A Quiet Christmas here..

We enjoyed a quiet family Christmas, missing Rob. Whilst he enjoyed a far different day in the French Alps!

During the morning, he dressed up as Santa and took a ski lift up the mountain. He then donned his sack and strapped himself onto his snowboard to set off down the mountain with goodies for the children in the chalet. Much to the concern of other children on the nursery slope - Santa fell over!!!! He hurt his coccyx heehee but, with a "HoHoHo" he got up and set off back down the main slope to the chalet. He had just arrived back and sat down surrounded by the children, when his mobile went off! So he joked it was Mrs Claus checking he had arrived safely. He loved the experience!

Sadly the day did not end so well! He ran out of gas during Christmas dinner and spent hours running up and down stairs to another kitchen to try to cook the meal. He was disappointed as it meant he spent less time on presentation than he would usually and so felt he had let the guests down.

I'm looking forward to getting some pics of him as Santa. I'll make sure I post one on here for posterity!

As for me? My worst present was THUD, by Terry Pratchett! It's made me almost a recluse whilst I read it! If I read it in the company of others I keep laughing and sadly if Iread back what has just amused me, it doesn't seem as funny to the listener. So I have to cope with being given strange looks, or becoming a hermit until I've finished the book. I truly love the writings of this author!

It may be Christmas but life goes on..

This week I've put in place the next step of my life. On Monday I went into school and handed in my notice. It's been a strange few weeks seeking God's will for our lives. It has been a joint decision with Ian and myself seeking what God wants for our lives. My cessation of teaching does not just affect me but the whole family.

The strange thing is that last night I realised just how much we live in this world, but not of it! Ordinarily people do not leave a job when they have no idea of where or what they are going to do next. Ian and I have considered the financial implications of my not having a job and although we recognise that my salary is vital to our living, we are not concerned about it's loss. We believe that God is in control of this situation and, if anything, we are excited about what he is bringing us into.

David spoke at the carol service last night about the season we are in. Ian and I firmly felt we are at the start of Spring. The old is dying off and under the ground new shoots are coming up. As yet they are not visible, but we have a hope, a firm belief, that they will come through. Soon the reality of new things emerging will be all around us. God has great things planned for our family. This time last year I was single with a new Christian as a partner and no thoughts of getting married. Within 3 months I was married and the strength and security I have received from God's union is awesome.

Now God's plan is moving on. It's an exciting time.

Almost Christmas

Tomorrow is Christmas Day.

It will be a little strange knowing that Rob is not with us, but cooking a fantastic Christmas dinner for 14 strangers somewhere in the French Alps. He's having an amazing time over there! He started ski-ing and snow-boarding about 10 days ago and gets a couple of hours in each afternoon. On Christmas Day he gets to dress up as Santa, throw a sack of presents over his back and ski across to the chalet. it seems strange that Rob's doing this seeing as he's the least experienced skier of the staff! We have visions of him ski-ing right past the chalet, not being able to stop, or else crashing into the french windows at the front. Whichever it is, I'm sure everyone will enjoy his arrival!

Back home, we are looking forward to a quiet weekend. We completed all our Christmas shopping on Thursday and have just relaxed since then. The house looks lovely! I'm so pleased with the new carpets and the completed decor. I was more adventurous with my Christmas decorations this year as I had been donated a lot of mum's things when she moved to Spain. It's strange how she considers me to be more creative, yet in this area I tend more to the understatement. Having mum's beautiful welsh dresser in the dining room, I simply remembered how she dressed it and hopefully followed suit. The dining room is now one of the warmest rooms in the house and I'm really looking forward to eating my turkey dinner there.

I wish all my blog readers, both regular and infrequent, a Very Happy Christmas. May you enjoy and relax at this special time and above all, celebrate the greatest gift ever given!

Living with past failures

Over the past couple of weeks I've been tackling the issue of whether I need to change my career. I now stand in the knowledge that it is time to move on. Satan has had a field day! He's been whispering in my ear about failure! This is something else I've failed at, something else that I just don't have the bottle to see through!

This morning I went to church knowing that both my peace and joy have been stolen from me! I've been living in the knowledge of who God is, but not accepting what it means to my life.

Roger Aubrey was speaking and very powerfully spoke into many areas of people's lives. For me, it was the word that nothing will seperate me from God, not my present nor my future. He pointed out that the past is not mentioned in Romans 8: 37 as it has already been dealt with. The past has no hold on my life, it cannot dictate how my future will be or even how my present will be.

As a Christian, my sins have been forgiven, the old life no longer has a hold on my present or future. My past mistakes are just that past! They have gone and are no longer to have a hold on my life.

My peace has been restored and now I need to rediscover the joy of being in Christ and being filled with his Holy Spirit. I've felt so low recently as I've gone through this time of searching. This is not how God wants me to seek his will and direction in my life! He wants me to know his joy at all times in my life for what he has done for me and to rest in the security that his plans are for my prosperity and not harm, plans to give me a hope and a future.

I'm getting excited now about what God has in store for me. When chatting to Roger after the meeting he said something about us never knowing in January what December will bring. I recalled that in January I was a single woman with no idea that on March 26th I would be getting married! If such a major change can happen in 3 months of this year, what amazing things has God got in store for me over the next few months??

All I know is, I want to be where God wants me to be! If that means stepping out and facing major changes in my life then I'm prepared to do it. It's a small step compared with the steps Jesus took to bring me into a place where my life is held secure in the loving hands of an all powerful and all mighty God!

Plans and Promises

Jeremiah 29:11

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

I've been fretting and worrying about something big recently. Whether or not I'm in the right job, whether or not I'm even in the right career. The part answer appears to be no but whether it's to the first or the latter I'm not sure. I've been putting off making my decision (and to a certain degree still am) because I'm concerned about the pressures I'll put my colleagues under, and about what they will think about me if I quit. I was reminded last night that I need to be concerned about only one person - God.

My decision to stay or to go must be based purely on whether it is God's will that I remain. My decision about when I go should also be based purely on God's will for my life.

My desire is to do the will of God, sometimes it can be so difficult to know exactly what that is.